


Darkened Nights (Violin Strings)

by lostatsea



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Sexuality Crisis, Tw for comments against the lgbtq+ community, i guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-06
Updated: 2017-01-06
Packaged: 2018-09-15 06:47:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 899
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9223715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lostatsea/pseuds/lostatsea
Summary: Josh wasn't gay.He was just tangled in many lies within his own head.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Love At First Sight by The Brobecks

Josh liked to push this particular thought to the back of his mind. 

He knew that thinking about it would only wreak havoc in his brain, so if he was able to clear it from his forefront thoughts, he wouldn't have to deal with it. He'd just bury his head in the sand.

This strategy, although effective sometimes, didn't account for the inevitable: the times when reality would seep behind his head and infest its shores, extracting the problems that Josh liked to conceal.

Dinner that particular night caused exactly that.

It started out as a normal evening. His mother placed pasta on the table, the regular, and the rest of his family gathered around. The usual conversation about their day spread through the air, and Josh wasn't shy to chip in. He loved his family, and he loved that they were able to sit down and spend this time together. A lot of the other teens his age didn't care for their parents or siblings, but Josh found them more bearable than most of the kids at his school.

However, his younger brother liked to get under his skin, and his words seemed to just do that.

"Kids at school were talking about gay people," Jordan rolled his eyes and placed them on his older brother. "They are all the emos," he added a laugh, "which means Josh has to be gay."

Josh responded with a chuckle, rapidly putting on a front. "Of course not."

"Do you really think gay people are born gay?" His mom added.

Josh blinked slowly and inhaled sharply. "Yes, I do." 

"Oh, look at Josh! In defense of the gays!" Jordan was quick to joke. "I didn't know you were apart of the LGBT community." 

Josh rolled his eyes, but nonetheless, let a fake chuckle conceal his inner frustration.

"Actually, I'm just going to say LGT. I don't believe in bisexual people," Jordan continued with his ramble, not bothering to aim his phrases toward respectfulness and logical reasoning.

"I agree," his mom responded, twirling her fork in her bowl full of noodles. "People these days take it too far."

"Exactly. Josh, like how many genders are there even?" Jordan continued, a smirk dancing in his lips without a care.

Josh simply glanced up, unwilling to respond. 

"Two," Jordan answered himself. "Everyone else just wants more attention."

Josh heard a laugh from one of his sisters, but he didn't want to glance up to find it's source. He just simply focused on continuing eating his food, and then he would be able to escape and head to his computer.

Josh didn't even notice that the conversation shifted away, but he left the room promptly once returning his bowl to the kitchen sink. He had homework to do, but more importantly, thoughts to think through.

He knew his family was just teasing, and they didn't think actually he was gay. But truly, that question was plaguing to him, and he wasn't sure how to handle himself knowing that his family could make such ignorant comments.

But even with opinions like that, Josh couldn't help feel like he was the incorrect one. Any ounce of his thinking that led him to feel he could be gay was completely wrong. 

He totally could be aromantic as well. It wasn't a piece of cake to determine if he actually liked boys, so he was probably just trying too hard and coming to the wrong conclusion. 

Maybe he just wanted to fit in, and he could totally convince himself to like girls. Maybe even he liked girls in the first place, but he could be secretly concealing that fact in his brain to just appear cool.

But then reviewing that logic made it seem like the complete fallacy that is was, and he knew that he couldn't shy away from the truth much longer. Aromatic was just a clever disguise, and being straight didn't seem plausible either. 

He was twisted up in his thoughts, and they didn't even make sense to him.

He had to place the blame of this on himself.

His family wasn't homophobic or against gay rights; they were asking the real questions. His family was smart, so everyone else had to be wrong. His family was right. Josh was wrong. 

You are wrong, he told himself angrily. Wrong.

He leaned back in his chair and sighed, easily passing as homework frustration if questioned. 

Josh wished he could resume with other things and push these thoughts to the back of his mind, but something about today didn't let him. He hated leaving things unsolved, and his future was all of the sudden appearing very clear-- and scary. 

Maybe he'd be brave enough to come out, like one of those people he saw on YouTube who talked openly and proudly about who they loved. Maybe he could be like the people he met at school, trotting around the halls with pride, openly loving who they wanted. 

But maybe he'd have to hide in his skin forever, and he'd have to blame himself. His parents could be accepting, and that chance would make not coming out Josh's fault. His parents weren't forcing him to hide. The world wasn't saying that he couldn't be himself; other people were. It was just in his own head, right?

But all he knew was that he was petrified. 

Petrified and awfully lonely.


End file.
